Alright, guys. I’m in a better mood about NaNoWriMo this week. I’m feeling positive. My outline is 7,000 words long. I’m ready to go.

Also Halloween just tends to put me in a good mood. Over the weekend I had two different themed parties to attend, including a Harry Potter party (I dressed as a grindylow) and a super villain dinner party (where I was ‘Night Shade’, the poisoner). Both costumes utilized various things I have collected over the years at renaissance faires and cons and I’m always glad to reuse silly costume-y impulse buys.

Plus, today my boss insisted we all dress up as witches for work, as it is her dream to have a coven. My boss is weirder than your boss.

This gave me an excuse to rewear the cloak that was made for this Halloween short film I created two years ago, and the witch hat I decided I needed to buy at the Wizarding World.

I also signed up for a digital 5k called the Halloween Hustle, which I agreed to run with my pal Justin with the condition that we wear costumes for that, as well. This was the final check on my Halloween to-do list for the year, before settling in to pass out candy (we hardly had any trick or treaters) and watch Halloween movies.

So that makes four costumes this Halloween, total? I don’t know why I do this to myself.

Our time was 44:07, which isn’t anywhere near my usual times. It was cold, and we kept stopping to wave and give thumbs up to people who were excited about seeing peanut butter and jelly running around the lake. It was a real delight, and I highly recommend it. The time was much less important to me.

Plus the sun went down as we were on the tail end of the run, which was absolutely beautiful.

NaNoWriMo begins tomorrow (or in 1 hour, technically), and I’m really hoping to start off strong. My goal is to write at least 2-3,000 words a day for the first 3 days, since I have to head down to Portland this weekend for some wedding stuff.

I keep feeling nostalgic about NaNoWriMo starting, thinking about how this is the 12th year in a row that I’ve got butterflies in my stomach on Halloween night as I wait for the clock to strike midnight. I keep thinking about how every year I’m at a different place in my life, but this writing challenge is a constant. How I started this challenge over a decade ago as a kid in my childhood bedroom, writing on a hand-me-down desktop computer and fitting my noveling in around homework, and how in all this time, NaNoWriMo has seen me through 4 laptops, 3 different houses, at least 4 boyfriends, two different colleges, a graduation, 4 different jobs, a decade of YouTube videos, a certificate degree in writing, an engagement, a castle, and now wedding planning.

I know earlier this month I was worried this might be the year I don’t finish, but look at everything I’ve been through since I started doing NaNoWriMo. I’m good at this. And I’m ready to start year twelve.

Make sure you’re following me on twitter if you want to join in my inevitable word sprints!

Lastly, I’ve been slowly building a mailing list over the last year, but this past weekend I finally kicked it off with a snazzy little welcome letter! If you’d like to be on the list for semi-regular life updates, news and perhaps even sneak peeks at what I am writing, you can sign up here. It’s going to be fun.

Okay. 50 minutes until midnight. We’ve got this.

NaNoWriMo is still a half a month away, but I can feel it looming in the distance, creeping in and causing stress and anxiety and a little bit of excitement but mostly anxiety. And listen – this is year twelve. I’ve finished NaNoWriMo while in college and working a job and running a YouTube channel all at the same time. I’ve finished NaNoWriMo when I missed an entire week to the flu. I’ve finished NaNoWriMo while dealing with breakups, while moving out of my parents’ house for the first time, while taking trips that stole my attention, while working on big projects at work, and more.

But this year feels different.

I’m nervous.

Yes, I’m planning a wedding. Yes, I’ve taken on a lot more responsibility at work and it eats up a lot more of my time. But I can deal with those things. I’m very good at finding time to do NaNoWriMo. I can wake up early. I can lock myself in a room. I can turn down social plans, or stay up late, or bribe myself with pictures of kittens.

The one thing I can’t work around is myself, and I haven’t exactly been able to rely on my ability to focus these days.

I’ve never had to worry before that a hurricane or a shooting or a wildfire or a new piece of terrible legislation will be the reason I might not finish NaNoWriMo. And I realize being able to say these things puts me in a place of privelege, and I acknowledge that. But I’m paying attention now. And while I can sing from the rooftops how important art is in times of chaos, that doesn’t mean I’ll be able to create it myself every single day because these things have been terrible – are terrible – and they’re happening with alarming frequency, and there’s no one leading this country doing a damn thing about any of it. I feel helpless, and sad, and scared – pretty much every day.

So my biggest fear this year is that I won’t finish. That my streak will end at 11, and year 12 will be the year I just can’t.

The only way I know how to work through this fear is to talk about it.

Honestly, I’m not sure I know how to mitigate this, except to wake up every day and face it. There genuinely might be more important things to do in November than work on my novel. Those things might be going to a protest, or using my 1667 words that day to write a letter to someone in congress, or crying in the bathtub. And that’s okay.

But I’m going to wake up every day and try.

And when I can, I’m going to try to remind others that creating art when you’re hurting can be therapeutic. And that some of the best works come out of trying to resist, so we should pour our anger into the things we create. And that even more important than making great art is making safe spaces for each other, and checking in with each other, and coping.

I believe we can all do it, together. But if we can’t, that’s okay too.